Thursday, July 21, 2011

Refuge in the Shelter of His Wings

I feel as though I am living a rather unconventional life right now. I am taking up residence in my parents basement, living amongst 4 generations, in the physical sense I am husbandless, and I am just trying to make it all work to nurture Cameron (and Teddy for that matter).

Many days it makes me feel empowered- I have a feeling of accomplishment because of all of the things I have achieved or because Cameron and Teddy seem content. However, this is a feeling of empowerment which excludes my need for God's strength in my life. Often, the very next day my emotions are going in a million different directions and I feel out of control, unaccomplished, disconnected to God, disconnected to Josh, and just plain crummy. I very quickly find myself living for a kingdom I've created. Life is good when Teddy behaves, Cameron doesn't fuss, I can accomplish my tasks, and Josh is available to talk and not too tired to talk. Matthew 5 reminded me this morning that we are blessed even when we are poor in spirit, mourning, meek, hungry....None of this looks like the kingdom I've created.

...But God whispers to me at the strangest of times...yesterday, while I was struggling through my run on the treadmill, I listened to the beautiful harmonies of the Warrior Poetes singing: "Looking ahead, sometimes it's hard, to see through the hills. But at those times, that's when I see you, and know I'm not alone. God you are there, always by my side. And though, at times I don't know how things will go, you will be there. I can push on, knowing deep inside, that you have plans for me." Normally it would be rather hard to raise my hands over my head while running, but I was able to lift my hands up to him and lay all of my burdens before his throne and I felt his literal physical strength upon me. He was carrying me.

This morning Psalm 61 continued to remind me of my need for his strength and shelter:
"Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. For you have heard my vows, O God; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name...."
And Psalm 62:
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken...Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge..."

I miss Josh terribly, I want to be a good mommy, I long to know that Cameron will know the Lord in a genuine way, but I cannot be a good mommy or love Josh adequately, or be a vessel to lead Cameron to know our Savior without God's strength and intervention. It won't happen when my kingdom purposes prevail.

Lord, rescue me from myself!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Where to begin?

Well, it has been almost 7 weeks since Josh left and 6 weeks since I arrived in CT and I have not blogged a thing! Needless to say, life has been busy and I am loving it.

Josh left on May 27 and it was a difficult week for several reasons, but I was relieved to arrive in CT with the help of my Mom for some quality family time. Cameron was 6.5 weeks old on our car trip which took 14 hours one day and 3.5 hours the next. He was such a great little traveller.

Ever since we arrived we have been feverishly visiting with all kinds of family and friends. We have enjoyed nearly weekly lunch dates with Grandnan and Pop, lunch dates with cousin Jessie and Sam, trips to see Grammie and Grumps, a few dog park outings, ice cream outings, a family wedding, Rachel's graduation, a day with a dear high school friend, reuniting with old church friends, trips to Binney Park, long walks with the dogs, playing ball with Teddy in the backyard, and so much more.

There are also some things I have learned to do that Josh was always the one to do at home (don't get any ideas about when you return, honey! ;)) For example, I learned how to deposit a check online into our bank account, I have to turn the lights off before bed, I have to put the dvd into the player and try to figure out the remote, and more :). Yes, these things sound pitiful- it's amazing what one can take for granted. While I was having problems with the internet connection at my house the week Josh left and trying to troubleshoot the problem, Josh said "doesn't it make you feel so empowered?" and I replied "I don't want to be empowered! I want you here." Thankfully, I have been empowered to do these things temporarily but I will gladly allow him to resume these things upon his return!

Cameron is thriving. He is such a delight. It is hard to believe he is now 12 weeks old (weight and height to come soon after his 3 month appointment) and taking in the world at a rapid pace. He is such a fun loving, curious little guy when he is awake, but boy oh boy does he like to sleep! Cameron now sleeps about 11 hours at night and takes 3-4 naps throughout the day. In the morning he loves to "talk" to his animals and make all sorts of sounds. He smiles often and warms many hearts. He hasn't quite rolled over yet from back to belly but he seems to love sleeping on his side. He has begun to grab a few things in the last few days (pacifier, mobile, stuffed animal), and he seems to have noticed his feet are an extension of his body! Cameron loves bath time now, especially when it is followed by his lotion time and a Bible story from Daddy. Motherhood is such a gift.

I have enjoyed getting back into an exercise routine 5 days a week. Teddy and Cameron come along for a short run in the jogger 3 days a week. Teddy has been known to "catch a ride" in the chariot after a mile or so- it sure makes it harder to run up the hills! I guess I can call him my very own personal trainer. It is certainly helping me to shed the 37 pounds gained throughout my pregnancy! Only 6 left to lose!

The three of us talk to Josh almost every day on Skype. Although it is painful not to be together, technology really has helped us to stay connected. There have been many times that I have felt like I was sitting next to Josh on the couch just talking about "nothing" while we've skyped. Sometimes the video quality is better than others- as evidenced by Josh's comment a month ago: "oh, honey, that's so sweet. Cameron is wearing a bib with a golf tee on it....oh wait, no, that's spit up!" Josh is working very hard. He works long hours and has unusual sleeping patterns because of his job. I am so proud of him. He also has been enjoying going to the gym quite a bit!

When Josh left on deployment, we prayed that we would not just be in survival mode throughout our time apart but that we would thrive in our individual and family endeavors. On paper or in prayers, this seems easy to do, but in real life it's tough stuff. We are "better together" (our wedding song), but this deployment is helping us to see why we are "better together" and where we need to be better at being "better together" for the glory of the Lord. We have also discovered we can be "better together" while geographically separated. It is so easy to get into the daily grind and lose sight of these things. We have by no means perfected our "better togetherness" but we ache and long to be reunited as a family.

As I was driving home tonight the song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns came on the radio. It reminded me that I am never alone. It is good we enjoy being together as a family and ache to be reunited, but it is also important to know our identity in Christ as the only thing that matters in this life. It can become easy to depend on others to meet our needs for companionship, love, and stability. The Lord is calling me to "thrive" by being satisfied in him alone- always- no matter how alone or fearful I might feel.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth Would care to know my name Would care to feel my hurt Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart  Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are  I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean Vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours, I am Yours  Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise again Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me
Pray for me please. This is not something I have perfected. Some days are easier than others, however, I do not wish to numb myself from the pain until Josh returns, I desire to enjoy the Lord and the gifts he has showered us with.

Well, these are just some of my thoughts from the last several weeks! I will post some pictures soon. Thanks for joining us on our adventure.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Milestones

Well, it has been awhile since my last post. We have been busy living life! I won' probably be able to remember everything that has happened recently, but I will certainly try!

Briefly, some milestones we've enjoyed watching Cameron achieve: 3 weeks 2 days- rolled over belly to back several times, 5 weeks 2 days- first smile (at the bumble bee in his seat and then at Daddy), 5 weeks 3 days- first slept through the night 7 hours! At birth he weighted 6 pounds 15 ounces and was 21 inches long, at 2 weeks he weighed 6 pounds 15 ounces and was 22 inches long, at 4 weeks he weighed 8 pounds 2 ounces and was 22 1/4 inches long, at 5 weeks he weighed in at 8 pounds 10 ounces and went to the Dr for his first cold :(. Cameron has amazed us in so many ways, but mostly just by the way we have been able to see "the fingerprints of God" through his life. We cannot stop marveling at God's creation.

Well, what are some other things that happened this month? Teddy turned two on May 23rd! We celebrated with Aunt Gail and Gramps by taking him to the dog park- it was quite the spectacle- and HOT. Do the terrible twos apply to dogs? Because I think they just may! Teddy doesn't seem to mind sharing the spotlight when it is just our immediate family, but he has been rather attention seeking when many people are in the house- oh boy! Edgar made his way to his vacation home a few days ago as well. A sweet 8 year old girl from church plans to watch him while I visit family. I can tell by the pictures he is in heaven with all of the attention- and green beans of course! She e-mails me frequently and updates me on how he is doing which take the sting of missing him away a bit.

We have had many visitors since Cam was born. More recently Gramps, Grandma Ann, and Aunt Gail and Uncle Jasper came for a visit. It was sweet to see family! We had a lot of laughs. After they left Dad A arrived and had Cam all to himself :). Dad helped Cam, Teddy, and I see Josh off on deployment. It was nice to have him there- especially after Josh left and things on the homefront seemed to crumble and need attention all of a sudden!

Josh left on Friday and we miss him terribly but we are all doing well. I won't talk much about this hear in order to protect Josh and his squadron mates. Updates in person will be easier.

Since Josh left Cameron has continued to sleep about 8 hours a night, waking up to eat around 6, and then sleeping a few more hours. It's been nice to leave behind the 1 am, 3 am, and 5 am diaper changes for sure ;). They may be back, but I'll take what I can!

Well, I'm off to CT soon to visit with family and I can't wait! Here I come!
The fam
laughing at "grumps"
My boys
stealing one last kiss goodbye


Smiling at Daddy
Cam's first time awake while Josh was on skype was today so we decided to sit him in the bumbo seat so he could have daddy all to himself. He was so alert! Cam just loves listening to Daddy's voice read him his Bible stories every night with his "daddy blanket" (smells like him)- most times he falls right asleep!

First time sitting in the Bumbo seat at 6 weeks- he only lasted a few minutes holding his head up like this but boy is he strong! I don't think this seat is really intended for a 6 week old, but he seemed to really love having a different perspective of the house from the coffee table!